Love is a sad game

I have said once that it's easier for me to talk about my loving feelings in English, since all my grown up relationships have been with foreigners and therefore the main language was English and not Portuguese nor anyone else. It's funny when I realise that I actually have never said "Eu te amo". I say I love you. And when it comes to sex, thats really something I can only do in English.

Now, why am i writing this? Because I have just been once again ran over by the train called love. Or passion. Call it the way you want. That feeling that carries you away for a while and makes you fly over the clouds and the stars and dream that you are an angel yourself and that the Gods are finally close to you and that this is heaven and this is for real... only for you to realise at the end that you are nothing but Icarus, that your wings are made of feathers and glue and that the inclement Sun will burn everything away and will you melt your dreams and you will fall heavily and sadly into the deep ocean and die, eaten the the misterious creatures of the dark waters.

I am a weirdo. Thats it. I have a serious problem in connecting real life with the life I live in. I live in a world of dreams and illusions and I refuse to accept reality. Because reality is harsh. Reality is cruel. Reality is just so boring and annoying. I d rather live in my world of dreams, where everything makes sense and where there is an explanation for everything. With a happy ending at the back and choirs from tuned voices.

I fell in love. I fell in love with a total stranger. I fell in love with a guy I have met over the internet, and I have fallen in love with his words, with this thoughts, with the man he seemed to be, the person I had always hoped to find. Handsome, sexy, sweet, tender, quiet, fit, romantic. I fell in love with the most beautiful smile that have seen in ages, and I have realised that a sweet smile and a big nose are features that I die for in a man, much more than anything else. And a body, oh what a body. But it was many the person behind that smile and those muscles. A lovely person.

Only, that that lovely person didnt tell me one very important detail. That lovely guy is still in love with his ex and therefore I have been merely a failed attempt to take someone out of his mind. I wish I had been told that before. I wouldnt have let this man come into my life. I wouldnt have let him come to my city, I wouldnt have let him come into my bed... I wouldnt have let him come into me. I did. And now its too late, I am totally in love with him, but he has just admitted to me, that it didnt click with him, and it didnt click with him because he realised that he is still in love with his ex, and he even went on to say that this drives him mad to realise that, but he cant change that, and when he has feelings for someone he can only have feelings for that person, and being him the adorable person that I know he is, I couldnt have expect less... only thing for me is that, too bad, I am NOT the person who is in his heart. Bad timing!!!!

And now I am here, licking my wounds after one month of dreaming and dreadful fall back into Earth after a weekend full of promises that ended up only in disappointment, sorrow and pain. And trying to understand why and how the hell did I get here. I was doing fine. I was ok. I wasnt in love. I was just living my life, one day after another, and then this. This beautiful smile comes into my life, fills it with dreams and hopes, and then leaves me with the same easiness that it has entered, and now I realise how empty my flat is, my life is. There is nothing around but white walls and cold. And I thought this was enough. It is not. I was dead. I am now alive. And in pain, but I am alive again.

How can someone fall in love with words rather than through real life? I do, and its the second time! How come? What is it with me that I have this romantic pench for impossible lovers and disastrous affairs? Always suffering for love! Love should be something good but in my life, just like sex, it has only been a reason for pain, for regret, for misery. But at least I am alive. For these feelings, I know them very well, and now they are back to me. My sadness is back.

They keep on telling me, it will go away soon, it was just a virtual story, its not love but projection of your hopes into someone else... funny how everybody really knows exactly what love is all about. They all know it better. But I feel. I am the one who feels my feeling, and I can only call it love. The hell with all other explanations, the feeling is mine, the pain is mine, I name it as I want to name it. I name it love. Love for a stranger. Love for a dream. Love for something that died before it was born. Love for a dead child.

I am spending Christmas and New Years alone this year. I have realised I was just not in the mood of partying, in top of all the problems I have aready in my life, this one came just at the end to top the cake. The cherish of love, only that in my case it has a bitter taste. I will be spending time on my own and thinking about my life, and trying to learn not to be so open and honest about my feelings and try to learn how to protect myself from my own feelings, and not fall in love that desperately for a total stranger again. How sad and pathetic... but that smile... that smile makes me suffer, but it brought some life back into my life. Today I cry, but one day I will smile again.

And now its just the night.